In the whole Indian marriage set up, the single most wasteful expenditure must easily be the money coughed up for getting the whole thing captured on tape or DVD. But sadly, together with the loud light music troupe and carved vegetables, the videographers complete the three most integral components of any wedding happening right now in India. Besides saving the memories for purposes of unleashing upon unsuspecting guests at a later date, the lensmen serve two other critical objectives: trip every well dressed lady with their criss-crossing cables and block everyone's view of the ongoing ceremony. As a result, the couple enter wedlock, blissfully unaware of the pandemonium breaking out just beyond the human wall of the cameramen and their crew (the lightmen who ensure that the dais is always a pleasant 45 deg C and the cable guys who, unsurprisingly, are exponents of the fine art of bamboo dancing). As the bride and the groom take their first steps in matrimonial union and as their parents heave a sigh of relief and perhaps wipe that tear of joy, gold laden ladies go down in a cloud of fine kanjeevaram and perfume and the thathas and paattis and the aged clansmen (who would have held the wedding couple in their arms when they bore a striking resemblance to a footlong Subway sandwich on parmesan oregano) feebly hurl their share of the akshadai in the general direction of the trouser seats of the camera crew hoping fervently that at least their blessings are potent enough to penetrate the wall.
For a while, the viedogprahers' domination over any and all domestic functions starting from a kaadhu kuthal to the wedding was complete. But with camcorders coming within the expanding reach of the middle class, the smaller functions have been liberated from their grip. People woke up to the reality that jerky zooms and spooky lighting notwithstanding, that otherwise useless cousin/friend can capture it for free. Why pay Vel Videos a small fortune? But when it comes to the big daddy of all functions, the wedding, the professional camera guys still call the shots around the hall. In true Seinfeld style, if aliens were watching a wedding ceremony, they will have enough reason to conclude that the cameramen are the highest life forms on earth - they are the closest to the action, they create a powerful glow, occupy the best seats in the house. And, to remove any doubt, the guests throw flower petals at their rear ends.
The wedding memories, burned into 2 sets of DVDs, are relived exactly once: to verify that the special effects requested for are in place before settling the cameraman's bills. I'm talking about the bride's pancaked face coming bouncing in from the top right of the screen or the groom's image spinning at 4200 rpm and coming to rest in a heap at the bride's feet to the accompaniment of the hottest item number from the latest release. Once verified, they are promptly archived in the shelves marked "Ewww...never again." (As I type this, the fruitless search to locate our missing wedding DVD is now over an year old.)
On a related note, and I know this is going to make me sound ancient, the advent of the camera phones has led to every one in possession of one whipping it out to capture everything from the swami porappadu from the local temple to his friend's daughter's first sneeze. Nobody seems interested in experiencing any unfolding event with their own eyes and enjoy it anymore. Hands that once instinctively tapped the cheeks when they saw a swami porappaadu now reach for the pocket instead, to fish out that Nokia or Sony Ericsson. The motive is simple. If it is worth seeing, it is worth blocking the next person's view and recording. Any event has to be first captured rather than be experienced. And with the satisfaction that they have it stored as a bunch of bytes, go about ignoring it.
Against this backdrop, the program namma veettu kalyanam on Vijay TV seems to bluntly suggest that the creative juices, and I'm using this term very loosely, have run dry. When you are harvesting wedding videos for anything outside of the realms of "America's Funniest Videos", the programming head honchos might as well say, "Guys, this is it. We, as a team, admit that we have lost it. We've officially hit rock bottom and can't get any lower in trying to fill 30 minutes of air time."
For the uninitiated, this program chronicles celebrity weddings with the aid of their wedding videos and ample insight provided by the principal participants of the said wedding. Celebrities of "I've been in the audience for a reality show once in 2006" fame and insight as in regurgitating the minutiae of their wedding arrangements.
As a sidenote, Vijay TV can be charged with grooming the most "celebrities on tap" via the reality/talent show participant --> winner --> compere --> own show --> celebrity grind. Or the much quicker I'm a washed up movie star --> TV stardom is my entitlement regimen. I'm looking at you Radhika, Kushboo and Anu Hasan. But back to the story.
Mr and Mrs. Have beens sit down to walk us through their wedding. Of particular interest is when they throw light on the many and unique difficulties that they had faced en route to the altar.
- We had planned for 900 guests and 1300 turned up. But the chef somehow scrambled to fix dinner for everyone.
- He had chosen a mauve shirt that didn't complement my beige saree and we had to rush to change his shirt the night before. It got us all tensed up...
- Star X was away in shooting and could not attend. We were devastated. But he called up to wish us afterwards.
And with the inevitable inter-caste/religious marriages, the whole "I wasn't familiar with their customs" routine gets played out. "I'm a Nattukottai Chetty with just a faint suggestion of Nadar while he is an orthodox Syrian Christian with 2 tbsp of Jat somewhere in the lineage and we got married in a rundown synagogue...." OK, may be not that exotic but you get the general drift.
The next time this show comes on, I'm going to hunt for my own wedding DVD.
PART I
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If there's anything that screams "being in the spotlight" it's certainly your marriage ceremony. Nowhere else are a few
hundred folks's focus trained at you while you're trying to gamely go through the motions of marrying the girl of your dreams
(or in some cases, mom's hand picked choice of "your perfect woman")
"Slow Electron"'s hit the nail on the head right this time. Move over "Nalangu", "Kasi Yathirai" and other stupid formalities. Arguably the
singular most bittersome ritual in this whole exercise is the Reception. Standing in an elevated platform wearing a suit that
you're probably never going to give a passing glance anymore and smiling so much that your jaws are begging to dial 911,
that's just a start. The real fun begins when the videographer (who's probably thinking this is his "P.C. Sreeram moment"...)
is shining a few thousand watts of brightness in your face. Pray why? To capture these blissful moments for eternity into
DVDs, photo albums et al. And here I am thinking such firepower was required only when digging a borewell or something!
There's no escaping this. For the next 3 hours or until the last guest has caught him/herself on camera, whichever comes
first. I've attended close to a dozen weddings in my lifetime and rest assured it's always the latter, which stretches the
cardio to at least 4 hours tops. And it's not like after the first fifteen minutes you can call for the glare to be shut off.
Lights on and lights off when when they decree. All through which every yawn, every sneeze, every facial twitch is recorded
for posterity. Good luck if you suddenly want to scratch your balls or desperately dig our nose. No one might've noticed it
then but a few months later when mom and dad are watching the DVD for the nth time, someone's sure to pick on the faux-pas. I'm just saying you were warned...
I realize we're paying the crew a shitload of money for this. But that doesn't mean they get to retain director's cut, right?
Shouldn't it be the bride and the groom who have the final say? Apparently not, from what I've gathered. The more creative
these people are, the better are the recommendations from the elders.
PART I
ReplyDelete------
If there's anything that screams "being in the spotlight" it's certainly your marriage ceremony. Nowhere else are a few hundred folks's focus trained at you while you're trying to gamely go through the motions of marrying the girl of your dreams (or in some cases, mom's hand picked choice of "your perfect woman")
"Slow Electron"'s hit the nail on the head right this time. Move over "Nalangu", "Kasi Yathirai" and other stupid formalities. Arguably the singular most bittersome ritual in this whole exercise is the Reception. Standing in an elevated platform wearing a suit that you're probably never going to give a passing glance anymore and smiling so much that your jaws are begging to dial 911, that's just a start. The real fun begins when the videographer (who's probably thinking this is his "P.C. Sreeram moment"...) is shining a few thousand watts of brightness in your face. Pray why? To capture these blissful moments for eternity into DVDs, photo albums et al. And here I am thinking such firepower was required only when digging a borewell or something!
There's no escaping this. For the next 3 hours or until the last guest has caught him/herself on camera, whichever comes first. I've attended close to a dozen weddings in my lifetime and rest assured it's always the latter, which stretches the cardio to at least 4 hours tops. And it's not like after the first fifteen minutes you can call for the glare to be shut off. Lights on and lights off when when they decree. All through which every yawn, every sneeze, every facial twitch is recorded for posterity. Good luck if you suddenly want to scratch your balls or desperately dig our nose. No one might've noticed it then but a few months later when mom and dad are watching the DVD for the nth time, someone's sure to pick on the faux-pas. I'm just saying you were warned...
I realize we're paying the crew a shitload of money for this. But that doesn't mean they get to retain director's cut, right? Shouldn't it be the bride and the groom who have the final say? Apparently not, from what I've gathered. The more creative these people are, the better are the recommendations from the elders.
Part II
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Case in point: Varun and Shailaja. These two got married three years back and one look at their wedding album and DVD it's obvious the photographer and the videographer ran amok. The album had every imaginable shot of the couple clutching whatever object came to his fancy. There were doves (a paper mache model, of course), plastic flowers and potted plants, a few round balls, them standing in front of all the wonders of the world (a more realistic painting would've helped) and also (God forbid!) some close-ups of the two that would've made any child bawl in fear. There's only so many times you can say "Soopera a irukku" without meaning any of it and I gave up after the first dozen or so pages. I was sitting there along with Varun and his wife and their parents, so it wasn't exactly a moment for bearing your soul too. Not unless I wanted to sample some delicious sweets and coffee. Like "Slow Electron" predicted the DVD had all the FX of a C grade movie. Faces tumbling at the speed of light, more close-ups, especially of aunties covered in makeup and jewelry all of whom seemed to have paid to be in this home video, bad background score etc. The piece de resistance was an awkward dance number by the couple while the family clapped from behind egging the girl to shake her leg more. I was shellshocked wondering if that was the Varun I knew. I
should've howled in laughter right there on the carpet. I didn't then but I'm doing now, three years hence. Oh! Them poor things!
I've never watched "Namma Veetu Kalyanam" and after this hard hitting piece of objective journalism I never want to. Every step of those weddings were arranged to the hilt, so as much as they're trying to throw in a few wrenches (good examples provided) no one's going to be exclaiming afterward "Oh my God! I can't believe they still got married!" And none of these were red letter days in the nation's history too! Which makes any level headed person wonder, why is this even a programme? No yuppie engaged twenty-somethings are going to be watching this and saying "I'm so getting a decoration like wat
Manickavasagam and his wife did 40 years back. 50s is the new 10s", so what's the fucking point? I give up. When I finally understand why Karan Johar is still asking inane questions to some Bollywood rejects I'll figure this one out too...
It's always said that for an "actor" or "actress" the cameraman's their best friend. My D-Day's in a couple of months and if any photographer/videographer worth his salt's reading this I'm fairly certain they're foaming at the mouth. Watch out for a DVD that features a short, dark, rotund-as-a-potato guy standing next to a tall fair maiden doing all sorts of circus tricks.
Didn't they say "Payback's a bitch"?
-- Atmarajan.
Atma! First off, congrats!! Will mail you for the details.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment(s). I suggest that this should be a post in your blog! Hilarious!