All in a day's work

I was update it for your advises and we need to delivery it to the customer on the (insert proprietary TLA) kits parts missing also I did now know what is our commitment or agreement with this customer's on this (insert proprietary TLA) kits before tool shipping about.

Actual and entire contents of a work email from a senior, non-native English speaking colleague from the far east. Bad translation software or a brave colleague?

Dear Mani

I've never been a great fan of your movies. That said, your best film, IMO, is still Mouna Ragam. Nothing since has done anything to change my opinion. But after watching the latest offering "Raavanan", I have a few suggestions. I'm no movie critic and these are aimed solely at maximizing the ROI on my ticket money and time:

1. When you get started on your next movie, hire a professional to write the dialogs. Pssst...Suhasini is NOT one. While on dialogs, a response to a question is an answer. Not another question. Your characters should not be allowed to ask more than one question at a time. Watching your movies shouldn't feel like watching the rapid fire round in a quiz competition. One word dialogs? Niruthanam!

2. Stop experimenting with non-linear narration. As a remedy, I suggest you watch any SP Muthuraman/Bagyaraj movie. Or any random movie from the 80s and 90s for that matter. Each one is a study in linear narration with the audience being amply made aware of the single, regulation foray into the past with the aid of the "flashback"; complemented by a subtle defocus, a spinning disc and perhaps a little psychedelic music. Keep it simple.

3. Thirunelveli is a nice place. Agreed. But you must come out of that district and set your story in some other part of Tamilnadu instead. Quite frankly, you're using that place a bit like the reddish brown, generic gravy common to any and all *masala dishes in a cheap North Indian restaurant. So it is with utmost affection that I say, "Get the hell out of Thirunelveli."

4. Stop chasing a pan Indian audience. If you are trying to ensure a Dadasahib Phalke, I'm afraid that you are a "Madarasi". And no matter what you do/don't do, a Karan Johar or a Shah Rukh will beat you to it. Yes, we don't live in a fair world. Making Hindi movies is fine. But trying to make the same thing in both languages at the same time seems to result in two average movies. And I'll go out on a limb and say that people would rather like one good movie. I'll have to quote Visu/Balachandar/Poornam Vishwanathan again - "tamizhan tamizhana irukkanam, telungan telungana irukkanam."

5. Talking of a pan Indian audience, you should part ways with ARR. The problem is that while you are chasing all India audiences, ARR is busy wooing the world at large. As a result, your movies are "local" in neither content nor music, leaving Tamil audiences shortchanged. It was a good run with ARR for, what, about 10 movies? I say leave us with the good memories. On the same note, you should probably pay Ilayaraja a visit, and see if he will score music for you again. If he won't, and why would he, you should drive straight to Harris Jayaraj's place and seek an appointment. My point being: ditch ARR.

6. Two words: people watch. Wear a disguise and watch people go about their lives. And you'll probably realize that society, as you try to paint in your movies, does NOT exist. Hints: People don't quote literature all the time, stuff happens outside Thirunelveli too, people live in well lit houses and talk in complete sentences complete with a subject, an object and a verb in them. In other words, people behave normally.

Thanks.

Senility is a sad thing

After reading this, all that I can say is: God save the queen long enough to outlive her dimwitted son.

Talk to your doctor if this post is right for you *

Since I'm in the US on travel, I get to see all these TV commercials for a whole bunch of drugs. Drugs that claim to provide relief against the entire spectrum of malaises that afflict mankind. Starting from your springtime allergies, nasal congestion, restless leg syndrome and such including a set of others related to bodily functions and conditions that we will not list here in order to retain this blog's PG-13 rating. These ads are not creatively spectacular - shots of happy looking people in a green meadow walking slowly into a sunset, a middle aged lady looking out a window on a grey day and petting a cat, a 50 something couple sitting down for dinner, etc. (sometimes these folks are out of focus) while the voiceover outlines the benefits of the magic pill. And the disclaimer. It is the disclaimer part that never fails to catch my attention.

"This is not suitable for everyone. Don't take this if you are using nitrates for a heart condition. This drug is known to cause swelling of the throat, bleeding of the upper mouth, skin rashes, slight dizziness, confusion, lowering of skills and the ability to focus. In rare cases this formula can cause a liver condition that can sometimes become fatal... "And so on and so forth.

May be I'm wrong here, but don't the symptoms appear the same as that for rat poison? Excuse me if I sound rude, but is nasal congestion that bad compared to a potentially fatal condition? Really folks? When you are dead, what value does a clear nasal passage provide?

People at the funeral might go "Poor guy. His liver ruptured and the spleen haemorrhaged. The lungs melted away and his skin fell off. But the nose? The doctor confirmed that the nose was as clean as a whistle. No congestion whatsoever..."

Should such a lethal concoction even be allowed to be manufactured or sold to the public? Much less, advertised on prime time television?

These disclaimers finish with the mandatory "Talk to your doctor if is right for you" part. Yeah right. Honey, no offense, but I don't think I need a doctor to tell me that this drug is not right but downright lethal. And, in the event that the doctor does say this is right for me, he'll have to pin me to the ground and force feed it down my throat. If you ask me, a more appropriate disclaimer would be "Keep out of reach of children. Wash your hands thoroughly when you come in contact. Contact your doctor immediately if accidentally ingested." with a smiling skull and crossed bones in red.

And since I'm on this, might as well touch upon the devilish disclaimer's first cousin: the stupid statutory warning. It really annoys me when the "Smoking/drinking is injurious to health" comes up when someone lights up on screen. Perhaps the research results indicate that such a message has some positive effect, although I seriously doubt it.

The other day for example, I saw two "bad guys" on TV plotting two kill someone off. In an effort to get into character and showcase their meanness as they were discussing the merits of the methods at their disposal, they were both drinking and drawing on cigarettes. The flashing statutory warning below read: "kudi kudiyai kedukkum. pugai pidithal naattukkum veettukkum kedu." etc.. [Standard statutory warning message in Tamil.]

The guys were plotting to kill someone for Godssakes! The message that I get is: Hey if you want to nuke some place, I'm actually fine. Here, take some nuclear fuel, here is the detonator, a city map and keys to my pick-up truck. May I suggest the train station or the city center? Have fun! But...put out that cigarette please. No smoking, that's not on. Really.

On an aside, how would you rather like your villain to be? A clean shaven, well manicured, smartly dressed, green tea drinking, hybrid car driving, 9-5 job villain that knocks on the guy's door before shooting him in the face? And then even calls The Hindu obituary to inform that his victim slept in the Lord? At Rs. 100+ for the tickets, the bad guy better look evil, brew his liquor and roll his own cigarettes!

And compared to some of the stuff that gets beamed on TV, you are better off lighting up or may be even getting drunk. Which is exactly why I propose this message instead:

Dear parent, if smoking and drinking are the only things your kid picks up after watching this fellow/lady (in the case of mega serials, you know), believe me, you can be proud that you've raised a good one!

And that, boys and girls, is what I'd call sensible statutory warning.

* What's a post on disclaimers without a disclaimer of its own? Although, all I want to say is: thanks for reading and come back.