I need more hands to count all that money

I recently received this piece of, well, good fortune out of the blue. And instead of keeping it under wraps, I thought I'd share it with all of you. Please stand by for the name of the yacht aboard which I shall host a party to toast my success.

Dear Sir,,

My Name is [Mr Brown Robinson Citizen a Member of Omnipart Team.

I got your esteemed contact during my search, am looking for a capable,

reliable and trustworthy individual from your country India.

My Proposal:

There is a multi-national Gold and NATURAL PRECIOUS STONE company based in

the Dubai whom I would like you to stand in as a middleman between me and

this Gold and NATURAL PRECIOUS STONE multi-national company in united

kingdom.

I am acting as their consultant; This Company will visit your country to

buy their raw materials in a huge quantity.

But the problem I am having with the dealer in your country is language

hence, I would like you to assist me and be part of this business in your

country as both of us will be making substantial dividends at the end of

every transaction with this company anytime they visit India to buy this

materials.

Please your participation will not hinder you from your original Business

/ activities but you and I will be making huge profits at the end of every

supply made to the Dubai Company. Respond as quickly as possible for more

details.

I await your urgent response.

Yours truly,

Brown Robinson.

Omnipart

To which I've responded thusly:

Dear Mr. Brown,

Let me see if I get this straight. You, Brown Robinson, a citizen member of the Omnipart team, is willing to take me, a complete stranger in every sense of the word, to be your Indian partner. And a reliable one at that.

OK, I'm going to be real nice and not ask questions that may be perceived as rude. Like, How in the name of God did you get my friggin' email id?, for instance. I mean, here you are, taking me into complete confidence to do business with you and it simply isn't etiquette to probe your selection methods, even if they seem downright fishy.

Moving on to this business proposal itself, let's see: you want me to liaise with this dealer in India, who, I'm sure, you'll introduce me to at a later stage, to buy Gold and NATURAL PRECIOUS STONEs on your behalf. Hmmm. I share a relationship with gold that can be best summarized thus: None. That's right, none. You see, I'm not that into the gold/jewelry thing. And the only Karat that I'm familiar with is a communist with a disproportionately large bindi. And by the looks of it, she doesn't seem to be too fond of gold either. Take a look for yourself.

I mean, the last thing we want on our hands is the Dubai folks taking both of us to task for getting them anything less than the very best, right? I'm told that guys in sheikh's garb may drive fast cars and live in modern palaces but still chose very medieval methods of punishment. But wait a minute, reading further down your mail, I see that you have chosen me to specifically overcome the language barrier. Now, that changes the whole game doesn't it? I don't have to know a thing about gold and yet help you. What a relief!

Dubai, gold, export. I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but I'm sure that the Indian language you have in mind is indhi, I mean, Hindi. I don't believe in bluffing my way to get a job. So let me come clean to you Mr. Brown. You see, I possess this rather serious handicap when it comes to indhi...oops, Hindi skills. Brief history: In the 80's, it was a firmly held belief in the South that a sound knowledge of Hindi is a life-saving skill that anyone aspiring to amount to something in life should possess. But I come from a state that has a rather rich history opposing Hindi. May be it is in the air or something, but to cut a long story short, four different teachers and a few years later, I'm as familiar with Hindi as I'm with gold. Now that I've come this far, I feel OK telling you this. Recently I watched 3 Idiots (A famous movie in, yes, Hindi) with my wife. Chatur was delivering a supposedly very funny speech and while the rest of the theater (including my wife) were rolling on the floor, holding their intestines, tears in the eyes, I sat there watching as if Chatur was being neutered on screen. You get the drift, right? But don't worry. I can scrub and polish my Hindi and bring it from its current "Ek gaon mein ek kisan" depths to a business-worthy level. And since numbers will be of much importance, you will be glad to know that, thanks to a certain movie song, I'm already very familiar with numbers up to 13. That's right, No: 13.

So when can I start? There's something I need to make very clear to you. You have approached me while I'm in the midst of what can only be termed as a great financial run. Allow me to clarify. You know Mark, right? What?! You don't know Sir Mark Dulles? He's the coordinator of the Online Promo Programme of the UK National Lottery, silly! I've just forwarded him my bank account details to transfer the £2,500,000.00GBP(TWO MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS STERLING) that I've won. I initially had some doubts if this was a scam or something that's going on all around. But then he is the fiduciary agent of the National Lottery Board of the UK, alright? Do you even know what fiduciary means? Neither do I. And, to kill all doubt, he has been knighted, for God-sakes! The queen doesn't go around conferring knighthoods on thugs. OK, that Allan Stanford guy was a mistake. But, hey, Sir Dulles furnishes my exact lottery details: REFERENCE NUMBER:Ref:UK/9420X2/68 BATCH: 074/05/ZY369. If this ain't legal, I don't know what is.

Anyways, I'll be in London to collect my winnings. Once done, in may be a week or so, onwards to beautiful Nigeria. Why there, you might ask. Does the name Dr. Clement Okon ring a bell? Well, he is the top official of the Federal Govt. Contract Review Panel over there. This Dr. Okon has recently chosen me, through rigorous selection criteria, as his overseas partner and offered me an irresistible deal. If you are willing to keep this to yourself, here are the details: I help him route a sum of US$21,320,000 (TWENTY MILLION THREE HUNDRED TWENTY THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS) through my account in return for a 30% share of the pie. I know! I told you right, that this is a great time for me on the financial front? In fact, I almost missed out on this proposal. I came across this gem while I was clearing my junk mail folder. Good fortune seems to find me somehow. But spare a thought for poor Dr. Okon. I don't envy his position. Having to clean up the financial mess created by the previous military regime, a raging civil war and all that. Life ain't easy Mr. Brown. And living in a globalized world, I can't ignore the call of duty to extend this favor to get this fund released so that he can use it to resume his "importation business". God help him!

Back to our story. Give me a month while I finish up pending business in London and Lagos. But rest assured that I'll be carrying a copy of "Learn Hindi in 30 days" and a DVD of 3 Idiots (starring Brown "Rancho" Robinson, Sir Mark "Farhan" Dulles and Dr. Clement "Raju" Okon). Upon my return, I shall be able to take on the gold dealers and together we can start supplying the Dubaians (Or is it Dubaiites?) with all the gold they'll ever want. I chose to post my reponse to you here rather than by mail so that my readers (all 3 of them) can be made aware of my good fortune and that they should expect a delay in posts.

Achcha Brown-ji. Namaste,

Slow electron-hain. (What can I tell ya, I'm a quick starter)