Sexual harassment awareness for dummies

I was immersed deeply in work the other day (work: following the Indian cricketers getting their asses handed to them at Sydney on cricinfo) when an email popped in. It was from HR and politely but firmly asked me to report to the HR head right away as I was caught staring at...Never mind. Let's pretend that you never read that.

It was an email that asked me to take the Sexual Harassment Awareness training.

My immediate response was "Hey! But I was drunk at the annual office party last month! OK?! And it wasn't my idea anyways. And finally it wasn't just me. In fact, if you watch the video...Damn it, I'm human too! To err is human..right?" Too many thoughts clouded my brain and I just sat there paralyzed trying to understand just why I, a paragon of exemplary behavior towards the opposite sex, was being asked to take this training. Just then my colleagues who had stopped by my cube to kick start the discussion on the pathetic state of Indian cricket confirmed that even they had been asked to take the same training.

Oh a mandatory training?! Phew! That was close! Slowelectron: now paranoid at a cube near you.

Anyways, I promptly forgot all about the training and it wasn't until the Indian team was being walloped in Perth when a final reminder came in from HR saying that I had a few hours to complete the test. Passing grade was a neat 90%. Gulp.

I enrolled myself for the web based course. I didn't have a pair of earphones and I couldn't locate an empty conference room either to listen to the audio. So I sat in my cube, muted my laptop and started the video, hoping to wing it. Needless to say, there were many men and women on screen that had a lot to say but to me, but it was like watching a Danish movie without subtitles. Or audio.

There were multiple modules with a test at the end of each. My approach to it was simple: Choose the most conservative, politically correct response and I should be safe. If it works at the DMV test, it should work for the HR group.

When you see an old person crossing the street, you should:

a. Honk incessantly as you approach them at 60mph

b. Race the engine, roll down your window and call them names till they cross the street

c. Come to a complete stop, wait till they cross the street, wish them a good day, chew with your mouth closed and leave the toilet seat down

The answer is rather obvious: a or b c. And I was pretty confident that I would ace this test too.

At the end of the first module, there was a question on what constituted quid-pro-quo harassment vs. a hostile work environment. Oh there are now flavors to harassment? Sure, I got it wrong. Note: I was watching the training with the audio muted.

By the second module, there were a few victimized women and men (men can be sexually harassed too? Hmmm..) on screen pouring their hearts out. Completely oblivious to what their stories were, I went into test #2.

Question 1: Justin is working out in the gym. His colleague Stacy, who is also working out at that time, is making advances on him. Justin is uncomfortable about this. Is he being sexually harassed?

My immediate instinct: Justin! You lucky dog! Stacy from accounting? Making advances on you? And you're feeling harassed? If there is anybody being harassed, it is the rest of your team man! Oh, oh, oh! I see. You're still in the closet? That's such a shame. Although there is nothing wrong with it.

But I forced myself to think more along the lines of, umm, passing the test. How dare Stacy make moves on Justin, a hardworking and ambitious star performer who also happens to be batting for the other side? That too in the gym? Men aren't pieces of meat, damn it! Verdict: Stacy is guilty.

Question 2: Carla has just joined the team. Steve, her manager, brings coffee for everyone in the team on Fridays. Carla doesn't feel comfortable about this. Is she being harassed by Steve?

Carla, are you kidding me? Two words: Free. Coffee. Yes, he could throw in a dozen donuts too. But if I were you Carla, I wouldn't push it. Leave Steve alone. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Again, I tempered my reasoning with the overarching goal of passing the test. I threw chivalry out through the window and instead directed my thoughts down a different path. That uncouth rascal Steve! It always starts with an innocent cup of coffee, doesn't it? I read you loud and clear Carla: sometimes a cup of coffee isn't a cup of coffee. Just ask George Costanza. Trust your instincts dear and report this unscrupulous harasser right now! Verdict: Steve is a sleazy pig.

Turned out that I was wrong on both occasions. Justin is just a nerd. It is OK to make your moves as long as it is outside work and doesn't spill over into the professional world. Oh, and Carla is just a hypersensitive woman that needs to mix more with people instead of with her 9 pet cats only.

Long story short, I completed the course with a score of, ahem, 37%. Yes, I failed. I shamed my family, let down my friends and harassers around the world.

Of course, I had to retake the test. But not before I had consulted google, fellow colleagues and took the opinion of women around me to get a feel for what is acceptable behavior and what is not. And I'm glad to announce that I've passed the test.

So my dear lady colleagues, if I offer you a cup of coffee at the gym, please cross the road. But just be quick.

Bonus feature:

/ jjmn ,,, \|}{" - My 9-month old son came up with this as he crawled past on the keyboard while I was typing up this post. I'm leaving it in as it is even though some of you may be inclined to think that this makes more sense than what precedes it.